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7 Things I have learned about living with a man…

During 20 years of being with a man and living with ‘a male’ for 18 years, there have been many things I have observed; some of which I shall dispense below…

Tights

The first time he saw me crouch down and put one foot into tiny screwed up nylon, his face was a mix of both horror and empathy!  Watching me waddle the fabric up over my unshaved calves and thunder thighs was to him, a new level in our relationship!  He has accepted how un-dignified I look when I put my tights on and for that I love him. 

Putting on tights in front of a man is Funny As!!!

False eyelashes

Let’s face it, none of us can put these bad boys on ourselves, unless you are an eye lash ninja (if you can, I salute you and if you fancy showing me how, then send me a video on Instagram @justbu.blog).  However, this guy is an absolute legend at doing this for me. 

Realising that your man is happy to assist you in your beauty quest is awesome!

Beauty regime

I was tidying my dressing table the other day and realised, as I admired all my ‘trickery’ that I need about 35 items in order to just ‘get ready’ for a normal day!  This guy needs about 3!!  WTAF!  How does this work?  I mean, I couldn’t choose just 3 things, my anxiety levels would be tipped over the edge if this was the case lol.  He gets ready for work in half an hour like a wizard.

I’ve learned that I admire the fact he can look good with the assistance of only 3 items, but I do still love my bag of tricks!

Romance

He is not romantic in the sense that he buys flowers or says, ‘your eyes are so beautiful to me’.  I would describe him as a ‘practical romantic’ and this was confirmed to me when he came home from work and told me to close my eyes!  I have no idea why, but my first thought was “is he going to place his manhood in my hands?”  Now don’t ask me why lol!  Instead, he placed a bath plug in my hands and I jumped for joy!!  We had recently moved to a house that needed a lot of work and it came with a 1960s style bathroom which did not have a bath plug and I had longed for a lovely bubble bath!  It was a lovely gesture and I will always remember it!  The small things eh……

Romance comes in many forms!

Observing another female

This tends to happen when we are driving somewhere… I have already spotted a beautiful looking female walking along the road that we are about to pass and I might think to myself “she’s pretty” or “I like her jacket…where did she get that from?”.  However, what my man fails to realise is that I’ve also noticed that he’s had a good old look at her too!  The hysterics that unfold when he realises that I’ve already noticed is priceless!  I’m like “alright love, close your mouth”!  So funny! 

Our men are going to look at other women and find them attractive.  Let’s face it, us girls do the same thing, but we’re better at hiding it, ha!

Hair

No matter how hard I try to explain the detailed goings on with my hair routine, such as having it cut and dyed every 6 weeks, he will never EVER get it!!  His response is “why can’t you just get it cut for a tenner like I do?”.  WTF -Can you imagine if I did?? 

I’ve learned that he has no clue how much money I’ve spent over 20 years cutting and dying my hair!

First thing in the morning

My Mum told me once that my Dad used to tell her that she looked her best, first thing in the morning….

Let me tell you, this is not the case in our house lol!  He must wake up and think he’s woken up next to Hagrid! 

I’ve realised – HE HAS NEVER TOLD ME I LOOK GOOD IN THE MORNING! 

My lovely readers – I hope you enjoyed my 7 nuggets of randomness, if you fancy seeing more stuff then feel free to follow me on Instagram – @justbu.blog

TTFN

S.G. xx

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Turning my fashion life around – one top at a time!

Hey my lovely readers!  Have you ever been in a situation where you’re getting ready for a night out and you’re thinking:

“I’ve got nothing to wear” or “Nothing fits”

Well come inside my wonderful world of randomness and I’ll let you into a little secret I have which might turn your life around. Lol.  Or it might make you think I’ve lost my mind…

On one such night, I found myself rummaging through my endless mountain of clothes (some which still had tags on) and there was NOTHING in my wardrobe of tricks.  Fear set in as my husband had got ready in a flash and made his shit look easy and our pre-booked taxi was en route. I thought “no doubt, tonight will be the night that this taxi man turns up early.”  I can 100% guarantee that if I was ready, he would be late. Anway, I digress………

My original top, that I swore looked “the dog’s” in the shop with the mirrors that lie; now looked like an evil con artist mocking me!!  By now, I was sweating and my makeup had started to slide off. As I stood there topless, staring at my ever expanding midriff I did what anyone would do in this situation – I polished off the remaining wine in my glass!! 

I then started to look at my tops one by one and thought “how the hell did these tops look ok all the other times but tonight, not one of them is doing their job in making me look like a goddess?”

Then, out of nowhere, I had an epiphany as I picked up my top and put it on…………

BACKWARDS!

Now, you’re probably thinking WTAF???  However, I have used this trick with many of my tops and it actually works!  Give it a go next time you or your friends are stuck for something to wear and I promise it will change your life! (and your bank balance – ha)

TTFN.

S.G. xx

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Musical Memories

Music rocks the soul, makes you cry and makes you reminisce about times gone by.  Here is a collection of songs that remind me of amazing, BADASS women who I am proud to know………….

Natalie – Army by Ellie Goulding

What springs to mind here is that ONE PERSON who; in the midst of a disaster can make you laugh until your cheeks ache.  When I listen to this, it reminds me of how neither one of us will ever be perfect women, but who gives a shit about that?  What matters is that one person who will have your back WITHOUT QUESTION. A mate who tells you when you’re being a dickhead and not worry about how you’re going to react!  Love that.

Melissa – Empty Cans by The Streets

Excuse the title!  My mate Melissa is not an alcoholic leaving a trail of empty cans wherever she goes!  Rather, she is someone I met in the 1990s when there was a shift in music, relationships and clothing.  Well, bugger me, Melissa shifted my life and turned it upside down and now I am stuck with her for eternity!  The song reminds me of a relationship she began with her boyfriend in the 1990s and ironically this song wasn’t released until 2004. 

Annabelle – Same Jeans by The View

When I started University as a “mature student” Annabelle used to rip the shit out of me for being “a student” and would ask me if my personal hygiene was gonna’ go downhill and whether I would start not washing my jeans – Cheeky bitch!     

Louisa – Let it Go by Idina Menzel

She sent me a random video of herself singing this song in her car that left me in stitches!!  #1 – She can’t fucking sing and #2 – this was her right of passage into Divorce. What got me about this HILARIOUS video was her determination to make me laugh despite the “shit show” of emotions she had gone through!

Rachel – Thursday by Jess Glynne

This song makes me feel like Rachel knows who she is and if you don’t like it then you can get fucked!  Rachel runs around all day with loads of stuff to do and makes it look easy and no foundation is needed while she is doing it!!  This is because of her peepers, which are the most amazing blue colour. Despite running around all day, she is always there to offer advice and counsel to anyone who needs it, while being herself!  Love that. On the rare occasion to have a day off (to herself), it never seems to materialise which has become a long running joke between us.  Rachel – you don’t need a day off – keep smiling! 

Jess – The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Now readers, what you need to understand about Jess, is her relentless hatred of any kind of dance music.  To this end, she refuses to embrace it in ANY situation, even if in fact, she finds herself IN A DANCE CLUB!  What Jess prefers to do in this situation is to accost the DJ until he cannot take anymore of her drunken demands.  With this he plays her favourite Country song and brings about a situation which can only be described as wonderful.  This is because in the midst of a dance music frenzy, Jess has managed to convince not only the DJ to like this song but me and about a thousand others!  Brilliant! 

Danie – New shoes by Paolo Nutini

Danie’s obsession with a different outfit for all occasions is something I have grown to love. Those beautiful red ombre shoes you obsessed over and then couldn’t walk in.  By the end of the night you were walking like you had shit yourself! You’ve never worn them again you shoe idiot!  You will display them in your perspex cabinet like the rest of us fools! This song cracks me up every time I hear it.

Ruth – Your Song by Elton John

Accomplice definition: “A person who knowingly helps another in a crime or wrongdoing”.  This pretty much sums the Parisian Hen Weekend I attended about 20 years ago.  

It was a trip filled with mischief and laughter which involved a ride on a tube train.  We were all heading to our next boozy destination. Our piss-taking abilities reached new heights as we boarded the train and began singing, thinking we were all that!   Our new audience was split! They either rolled their eyes or laughed at us. Then, out of nowhere Ruth began singing “Your Song” at the top of her voice (this girl can sing) and did not care who heard.  It was like something out of a movie, when everyone stops and stares and either hugs the person they’re with or sheds a tear! It was absolutely brilliant and I will never forget it!

I hope you guys enjoyed this random collection of music and stories.  Next time you hear a song that reminds you of someone, I hope it makes you smile and brings emotion and joy.  #Musicalmemories.

TTFN

S.G.xx

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10 things we should be doing more of….

  1. Take your makeup off every night before bed.

I’m not gonna’ lie, I don’t do this religiously, however I do try to!  It does feel better waking up to fresh skin rather than a scene out of ‘The Joker’.

2. Get more fresh air.

Thank God I have a dog!  Me and my Prince walk every single morning without fail, come rain or shine and honestly, it’s the grandest way to start the day.  Sometimes, I think us humans do not get enough fresh air!

3. Find a song that inspires you and makes you think. Listen to it often.

Mine is: Baz Luhrmann’s Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

4. Let your other half ‘remember’ their own Mother’s birthday – all by themselves.

I don’t know about anyone else, but this really grips my shit……  I find myself remembering that it’s her birthday about 2 weeks before.  I don’t mention it to him, because I think ‘this fucker can remember it himself this time’.  Then, 2 days before, it’s like I am taken over by robots and I keep asking him, have you bought your Mum a card and a pressie?  Like, the world is gonna’ end if he forgets??? Surely, the blame would lie neatly at HIS door, but then this is where I falter. If I allow him to forget, I too would then feel guilty for not telling him!!!!  OMG WTAF????

5. De-cluttering!  

This is like therapy for me!  A couple of years ago, I had the bright idea of having a de-clutter from my loft.  It was not only therapeutic but also nostalgic; finding all sorts of shit from ages ago that we no longer wanted but didn’t have the heart to throw away.  Then I came across………. Wait for it…….

A handbag full of taps!!!  I mean, who the hell keeps handbags and fills them with TAPS??????  Me, that’s who! Get rid of all the crap and it makes you feel so much better!

6. Try something new

I started writing this blog because I wanted to try something new.  My husband thinks I am having a mid-life crisis, which I probably am.  I tell myself, ‘at least I’ve reached my mid-life!’ – cause some people don’t make it that far!

7. Being grateful for the life we have

That’s it really.  We should be grateful for the friends we have and loved ones who would miss us if we weren’t around.

8. Wanding your hair

OMG I literally think this is the best invention since the contraceptive pill!  I can wash and dry my hair and look like Hagrid – sexy!  Then within 20 minutes, it’s smooth and wavy and I look like a Supermodel – obvs!!

9. Watch the ending to a film you love repeatedly, just because you can!

Years ago, me and my Mum watched the ending to ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ about 20 times because it was so wonderful; and to me, it still is!  Although now, I can just go on You Tube and watch it; not stick an old nasty cassette in the Video Player and listen to it clunk as it rewinds!!

10. Not worrying about whether your socks match.

I wash and dry these little fuckers every week and yet they still go missing!  No people, I do not own a tumble dryer, so it’s not that they have been sucked into Dryer Ville!  Where the fuck do these socks end up??? Out of sheer stubbornness I do wear odd socks as I refuse to throw them away in case the other ones turn up!  Like they’re gonna’ come knocking at my door asking to come in???  

I hope you enjoyed this random collection of stuff!  If you would like me to list another 10 things……. then let me know in the comments and I’ll give it my best shot!

TTFN.

S.G. xx 

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My relationship with Makeup

As a female I think many women (not all) feel the need to wear some item of makeup in order to feel like they can leave the house without scaring people…

My friend Rachel was sat at her dining table with her family having dinner.  Her daughter Lucy asked: ‘Mummy, why do you have loads of spots and why do you wear that stuff on your eyes?’  Rachel and her boyfriend James could not contain themselves and laughed at this totally innocent comment.  Rachel’s reply to her daughter was simply this:

“Without eyeliner, I look dead!!”

When Rachel told me this, it made me laugh, as I too have a staple makeup item that I wear religiously so as not to get arrested for common indecency in public.  I look grim without foundation.  I have the most ridiculously red skin and have always suffered with this affliction.  If someone told me that I would have to go out in public without my magic wand – my response would be this:

“I’d rather stick pins in my eyes!”

After my conversation with Rachel it got me thinking about other females and what their ‘go to’ item is in order to function in the world outside.  I also started noticing other females as I passed them in the street and wondered what their ‘ritual’ was for turning their face from a ‘bag of shite’ in the mornings to ‘damn, girl, you look hot to trot’.  I’d be in a shop buying my 50th bottle of foundation as if this liquid was somehow the most valuable thing I own.  The truth is…

“IT ACTUALLY IS!!  Without it, I wouldn’t be me.”

So, where did this fascination with a ‘go to’ item of makeup come from?’  Am I addicted to foundation?  Like, if they discontinued it, would I find myself cruising the streets, doing deals for foundation??

The thing is, my precious foundation doesn’t even solve all my problems either.  I leave the house looking fine and feeling confident…I happen to use the loo at work and that mirror in that toilet is the work of the fucking devil!!  My smooth, clear complexion is somehow replaced with what I can only describe as a ‘hot mess’ of streaks, chin hairs and a moustache that I thought my bleach had covered!  WTAF!!!!

Then there’s Natalie, who can wear a bit of moisturiser and not one scrap of makeup and look as fresh as a daisy EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE HER.  How the hell does this work? I want to know her secret!

Since writing this, I think I have realised what the secret is…When I was a little girl growing up, I would be fascinated by how my Mum would apply her makeup with such precision and thought.  She would get ready on a Saturday night with her 1970s disco gear, platform shoes and skin-tight jeans and look fabulous.  My fascination with her beauty regime escalated when I decided to paint her favourite shoes with nail varnish!!! But that’s another story….

I think Natalie’s secret is that she has never really felt the need to wear that much makeup, or in fact any; and for this, I salute her!  She is comfortable in her own skin and I am in awe of this.  To the ladies I see in the shop buying many different types and styles of makeup, which they will use to enhance their beauty – I salute you too.  This effort to try new brands and ideas is fabulous as it allows everyone of us to become who we want to be. Whether that’s an individual with their own funky style or me, just kicking the arse out of life, one bottle of foundation at a time.

S.G. xx

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Fashion Disaster – What does £18 get you?

As I sat there in a Spanish restaurant surrounded by the most gorgeous Tapas and more importantly the loveliest group of women you could need in your life, I was struck by another woman and the top she was wearing!  The Espresso Martini’s and Prosecco that I had been drinking took over my senses like a tidal wave of Catnip! I NEEDED THIS TOP IN MY LIFE!!!  The boozy supermodel inside me told me that I TOO would look like this beautiful goddess in front of me!!  I vowed that if I couldn’t have this top – my life would be over – I had to have it – much to the amusement of my travelling companions! (Anyone who knows me, knows that I can be obsessive over certain things)

I commented on how lovely her top was and she told me where she got it from.  Off to the website I went (one which I have never used and probably wouldn’t necessarily visit had it not been for the booze and recommendation from my new best friend)!  A few clicks and £18 later my top was on its way!  My purchase left me feeling happy……….

Fast forward a week and my top was nowhere to be seen! Oh my Christ I thought, I’ve been had, I’m a dickhead – I might as well have set fire to my £18!!!  “My new best friend had FOOLED me” I thought!  There she was parading around Spain getting all and sundry to buy this top that doesn’t exist!!!!!!!!  My ‘younger’ and ‘more knowledgeable’ friends in work advised that some websites can take longer to send stuff – so there I was, now more obsessed with my non-existent top, not least because I loved the way it looked (on someone else) but now because I wanted it to hurry the hell up and arrive!

Two more days went by and I was in the ‘stalking my top online’ zone!  Willing this top to arrive!!  Another day gone and I’d started to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t meant to be and I wasn’t going to have any kind of relationship with this top!!!

Then……. 13 days after my drunken purchase, the smoke cleared and I could see someone walking towards me in the office with a parcel! I felt like my mate in work was handing me the key to life! I ripped the bag open in anticipation and there it was in all its glory – my top! “Stuff this”; I thought, “I’m not waiting till I get home to try this bad boy on!!”  I whipped off my top in the kitchen and proceeded to put the top on!  Well……..remember I said that I felt happy with my purchase – well this was because I had ordered a LARGE!  My thought process was – if it’s too big then at least I can get it altered.  As I pulled this top over my body, my 2 boobs became 1, creating what I can only describe as a Monoboob!!!!!  I prepared my friends for the comedy show that was about to unfold with my fashion disaster and my Monoboob!  They could not contain their laughter as I paraded around the office trying to make this top look like anything other than what it was – TIGHT!!!

Countless discussions lead to options of what to do next:

  • The manufacturer has obviously sized their clothes wrong – give it up and move on! Accept the loss of £18 and learn from your drunken mistakes!
  • Send it back and buy an extra large!
  • Sell it!
  • Give it away to someone else!
  • Get it altered!

Now …… what happens next is a product of my stubborn streak………………………………………………….

I found myself outside the alterations shop http://www.wornoncesparkles.co.uk/ on a Saturday morning clutching my top with a determined sense of hope that this seamstress can in fact perform a miracle operation on my top.  I open the door and I am faced with two young teenagers and their prom dress fitting!

 I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I stood there and realised that my obsession had gone from bad to worse!!!  These two girls, standing there in their finery were engrossed in the beginnings of their Prom journey and there’s me, clutching my top in the hope that this seamstress can make me look beautiful and confident.  I suddenly felt like a fool and I realised that I would have to explain my drunken mistake!  I thought:

“she’s going to think I’ve lost my mind and that she’s got more important things to alter; other than my bloody top!!!”

However, the ladies were beyond lovely and helpful. I was taken into the back room and was asked to put my top on and wait for Nikki to come and advise.  There I was with my Monoboob – all ready to present my problem to Nikki!! She walked in and……….I’m like….

“Don’t judge me; I bought this when I was drunk”! 

Nikki laughed and told me that I was ace and that we’ve all been there!!!  She and her work colleagues were so understanding and helpful.  Nikki then went through many options (such as the ones above and that any normal person would use) and we settled on – give it up and accept that this top is not for you!!!!!!

Needless to say, I have neither worn this top, sold it or given it to anyone!  Instead, I shall keep this top as a lesson learned –  £18 wasted on a top that I will never wear, but my experience led me to interact with other women who not only understood my plight, but laughed along with me and that; my friends….. is Priceless!!!

S.G xx

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The Pussy Port hole!

Believe it or not, this Blog is NOT ABOUT CATS lol!!  It’s about us FEMALES, us LASSES, us CHICKS with all our issues, fun stories and laughter we want to convey to the world out there!

So I stumbled across a very recent documentary on NETFLIX about a very famous female artist who; quite frankly I love!  I love her lyrics, her music and her FRINGE!!  Love that FRINGE!  But the best thing in this documentary was her BACKPACK for her CAT – WTAF!!  So cute – him peering out of his pussy port hole!

The worst thing about this documentary was her belief that it was ok for her to accept comments about her body and then act on them in a negative way.  As if she actually thought that the comment itself would DISAPPEAR if she altered her image??????  But isn’t there an argument to suggest that us chicks are all guilty of this???  My point is this – despite any issues that my girl crush conveyed in her documentary, one thing I did notice is that she was surrounded by OTHER WOMEN in her life who had her back, made her laugh and gave advice (whether it be right or wrong).

So ladies, this blog is for you – EVERY female out there who may want to read it, comment on it, not comment on it, share it, laugh at it, whatever…..“it’s gonna’ be a random collection of observations, humour and thought provoking blogs to amuse.

Enjoy!!

S.G. x

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