As I sat there in a Spanish restaurant surrounded by the most gorgeous Tapas and more importantly the loveliest group of women you could need in your life, I was struck by another woman and the top she was wearing! The Espresso Martini’s and Prosecco that I had been drinking took over my senses like a tidal wave of Catnip! I NEEDED THIS TOP IN MY LIFE!!! The boozy supermodel inside me told me that I TOO would look like this beautiful goddess in front of me!! I vowed that if I couldn’t have this top – my life would be over – I had to have it – much to the amusement of my travelling companions! (Anyone who knows me, knows that I can be obsessive over certain things)
I commented on how lovely her top was and she told me where she got it from. Off to the website I went (one which I have never used and probably wouldn’t necessarily visit had it not been for the booze and recommendation from my new best friend)! A few clicks and £18 later my top was on its way! My purchase left me feeling happy……….
Fast forward a week and my top was nowhere to be seen! Oh my Christ I thought, I’ve been had, I’m a dickhead – I might as well have set fire to my £18!!! “My new best friend had FOOLED me” I thought! There she was parading around Spain getting all and sundry to buy this top that doesn’t exist!!!!!!!! My ‘younger’ and ‘more knowledgeable’ friends in work advised that some websites can take longer to send stuff – so there I was, now more obsessed with my non-existent top, not least because I loved the way it looked (on someone else) but now because I wanted it to hurry the hell up and arrive!
Two more days went by and I was in the ‘stalking my top online’ zone! Willing this top to arrive!! Another day gone and I’d started to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t meant to be and I wasn’t going to have any kind of relationship with this top!!!
Then……. 13 days after my drunken purchase, the smoke cleared and I could see someone walking towards me in the office with a parcel! I felt like my mate in work was handing me the key to life! I ripped the bag open in anticipation and there it was in all its glory – my top! “Stuff this”; I thought, “I’m not waiting till I get home to try this bad boy on!!” I whipped off my top in the kitchen and proceeded to put the top on! Well……..remember I said that I felt happy with my purchase – well this was because I had ordered a LARGE! My thought process was – if it’s too big then at least I can get it altered. As I pulled this top over my body, my 2 boobs became 1, creating what I can only describe as a Monoboob!!!!! I prepared my friends for the comedy show that was about to unfold with my fashion disaster and my Monoboob! They could not contain their laughter as I paraded around the office trying to make this top look like anything other than what it was – TIGHT!!!
Countless discussions lead to options of what to do next:
- The manufacturer has obviously sized their clothes wrong – give it up and move on! Accept the loss of £18 and learn from your drunken mistakes!
- Send it back and buy an extra large!
- Sell it!
- Give it away to someone else!
- Get it altered!
Now …… what happens next is a product of my stubborn streak………………………………………………….
I found myself outside the alterations shop http://www.wornoncesparkles.co.uk/ on a Saturday morning clutching my top with a determined sense of hope that this seamstress can in fact perform a miracle operation on my top. I open the door and I am faced with two young teenagers and their prom dress fitting!
I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I stood there and realised that my obsession had gone from bad to worse!!! These two girls, standing there in their finery were engrossed in the beginnings of their Prom journey and there’s me, clutching my top in the hope that this seamstress can make me look beautiful and confident. I suddenly felt like a fool and I realised that I would have to explain my drunken mistake! I thought:
“she’s going to think I’ve lost my mind and that she’s got more important things to alter; other than my bloody top!!!”
However, the ladies were beyond lovely and helpful. I was taken into the back room and was asked to put my top on and wait for Nikki to come and advise. There I was with my Monoboob – all ready to present my problem to Nikki!! She walked in and……….I’m like….
“Don’t judge me; I bought this when I was drunk”!
Nikki laughed and told me that I was ace and that we’ve all been there!!! She and her work colleagues were so understanding and helpful. Nikki then went through many options (such as the ones above and that any normal person would use) and we settled on – give it up and accept that this top is not for you!!!!!!
Needless to say, I have neither worn this top, sold it or given it to anyone! Instead, I shall keep this top as a lesson learned – £18 wasted on a top that I will never wear, but my experience led me to interact with other women who not only understood my plight, but laughed along with me and that; my friends….. is Priceless!!!